First? Yay.

I hate it. I hate it here. Port Charlotte is worse than hell. I'm not even doing this of my own free will. So why am I here? My doctor thinks it will be good for my ADD, short term memory loss, and emotional problems. Yay. And the best part? I'm stuck living in Port Charlotte until My best friend turns 18 on March 17. Two years from now. I can't stand to be in Port Charlotte for another minute! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it more than anything!! I'd rather kill myself than spend another minute here! I'd rather die! I can't stand it! It's a small town, so naturally, there's nothing to do. And when the best, and most exciting thing of my life was supposed to happen? I'm dragged out of state for a fucking wedding! Who cares?! It's only a cousin!! I have at least 400 more! Who cares if I miss one out of a possible 400?!... Okay, maybe only 399, unless my lesbian cousin turns straight or goes to Vegas or something. But that's not the point! I'm just sick of the fact that I'm stuck in this tiny hell hole that almost literally grows smaller every fucking day! I miss what is supposed to be the best day of my life, seeing Jay Asher, author of one of my favorite books, 13 Reasons Why. He was at my school, the mini hell (with a few rays of awesome) named Charlotte High School. But no. I was dragged out to Georgia. I hated it. I was furious. I wanted to cry. I still do. I'm forcing back tears right now, and it's killing me. The main reason I can't get over it, even when it's been 5 days already? There's nothing here to take my mind off of it. Port Charlotte is tiny (not even 22 square miles) so there's nothing here but nursing homes. We lost our only arcade about... 3 or 4 years ago, lost our only comic book shop last year, lost one bookstore (out of 2) about 5 or 6 years ago, and nothing has come up in their places. The mere thought of Port Charlotte makes me want to scream. To yell. To cry. To go insane. It makes me feel as though the only people to have ever come from here are destined to be failures. Homeless. Unhappy. Alone. Hated. Dead. Jay Asher coming was my only little ray of hope that I was wrong. That my life wasn't going to end up that way. I felt that if someone happy and successful came, it would prove to me that there might be hope. But I missed the words I needed to hear. I can't stand it. I just can't! I want to be free from this hell! I want to die! I'd rather die! I want to be as far away from here as possible! Even if it means death! I'll do anything! I hate it here! I want to be happy... I want to feel as though I don't need to hide who I am. I want to live somewhere where everybody isn't an exact clone of everyone else. I don't want to be somewhere I have to drink to escape my problems. Yes. I've turned to drinking to comfort me. I started back in middle school, along with smoking and cutting myself. I haven't smoked in years, but... I've gotten back into cutting myself. I don't cut my wrists, but I cut the back of my legs so I can hide it from my friends. From everyone. I know I'm practically destroying myself, but god knows there's no point to living if I have to stay here. I don't care if it kills me. In fact, I hope it does. Who knows. I might just say I'm going to the store, and run out in the middle of US 41 and hope I get hit. Or I could ask my parents to take me somewhere, and halfway there I could just open the car door and jump out. Or I could go jump off the bridge connecting Charlotte Harbor and Punta Gorda. I just want a way out of Port Charlotte. Away from the shallow puddles claiming to be human that roam the streets here. Away from all the memories. Both good and bad. I want to start over and be happy... I think I know the best way out... I could run away. Me and Ashly and Alex. We could just leave. No one would notice. It's not as if anybody lives with me now. Oh wait. My mother and father. But how should I know? My mother is always working now, and my father is always out getting drunk or sleeping with hookers. And my brother? He won't be here anyway. Duty calls. He's 21 and a Marine, so there's no chance of seeing him anytime soon. My Sister? And my Brother-in-law? Up in Jacksonville. Their families? Wouldn't notice if either of them was gone. Ashly's sister is a drug addict, and Alex's little sister is almost legally insane. I'm pretty much living by myself, so running off with 2 of my best friends would be heaven. Maybe... I'll see what the rest of the month brings.