It's painful. My head won't stop spinning. I can't stand, walk, sing. It's a miracle I finished reading Rebel Angels. I don't think that was the best idea though, since it ended up giving me a headache from both crying and trying to read...

I haven't eaten all day, but I haven't really been hungry. I can't really look at food without feeling sick though...

I tried listening to music, but that just made the headache worse, so since it's Port Charlotte, I'm stuck in an overcrowded house (6 people in 2 bedrooms. Yay... Someone please kill me.) in a quiet neighborhood. I'm not used to quiet. After living two blocks away from a firehouse and an interstate for about 12 years, you tend to not be used to the quiet.

Ugh... It's hot out and now my sister and her husband are arguing (again), so I'm just going to go sleep.

I left school early. I left around the end of first hour (about 9:15 am) because I was really dizzy. I couldn't stand up by myself, so someone had to help me. My head has finally stopped spinning, but school ended for today, so there's no point in going back. At least I had stopped by the library before class as always, other wise I would have been stuck rereading one of my books. I finished reading A Great and Terrible Beauty a few days ago, and I started reading the second book, Rebel Angels, last night. It's really good, with more mystery and magic than the first book. I checked out the third and final book, The Sweet Far Thing, and I can't wait to read it. It shouldn't be long either. I'm half way done with Rebel Angels (a 548 page book) so I should be able to finish by the end of the day. The Sweet Far Thing is somewhat longer, about 800 something pages, so that one should take me about 2 days tops. Well, I'm going to get back to reading, since I'm at a really fluffy part, and I'm in the mood for some fluff.

I'm screwed. I'm gone to Georgia for a few days, and I can't catch up on my work. I have four tests to make up, 10 math pages left to do (each with a minimum of 30 questions on each side), 3 projects (that are all due tomorrow), 4 papers on psychology (damn the social studies teacher), an essay on classical music and it's impact on people through history (I can't complain about this one. I love classical music and history, so...), A review of Phantom of the Opera (Again, I can't complain. I love that movie >3<), and because the Health teacher is a douche, I have to make a crossword puzzle with 30 health terms. And I'm 'not allowed to use big words', since I'm pretty much the only person who can understand anything longer than 3 letters.

...I hate my life.

School is an oasis. Except for Social Studies, math, and Health. Chinese was good, even though the teacher won't be back from China until Monday. (She went for the cremation ceremony of her mother. I ended up having everyone in Chinese sign a poster board turned card for her.) I can't wait for her to come back. She's really funny, nice, and just awesome to be around. She's my favorite teacher ever.

Social Studies was boring, and the teacher proved himself to be a major ass. I'm going to hate the class for the rest of the year. I can tell. English was dull. We just sat at the computer writing poetry. It wasn't really related to the book we read either... (Copper Sun. The author's name escapes me at the moment.)

Math was hell as always, but the 10 minute walk to the library was fun. I was walking with Alex and Ashly as always. We spent about three minutes there, saying quick hellos to some friends and the librarians, putting books on hold, and saying bye to our other friends there, and beginning our 10 minute walk back. We recorded about 2 minutes of our random chatter, proving it to be more fun than we thought.

Choir was hell. I couldn't sing anything higher than a c without getting dizzy, and being soprano 1, that is not a good thing. We practiced The Song of Angels, and most of our notes are well above c, making it difficult for me to stand. I ended up gripping my desk through most of the song. I almost passed out after sitting back down. I hate how it's been so hard to sing lately. I've never been able to sing low notes, and now I can't sing high notes, so now I feel trapped. I feel like a horrible failure. I can't sing, and it's killing me. The one thing I consider worse than living in Port Charlotte for the rest of my life, being unable to sing... I hate it. I miss being able to jump from a to high g. I hate this...

And finally, my least favorite class. Health. Coach Wiseman is an ass. The sound of his voice annoys the living hell out of me. He's a perfectionist. He's a hard ass. But his worst quality is that he always has to link everything with sports. Seriously, when I'm in his class I feel like begging Maria (my friend who sits behind me) to stab me repeatedly with a blunt object. Today we were talking about anger management, and every time he said something he looked at me (so what if I got the highest score on some anger management test? It was only a 96 out of 100. It proves nothing.) and tied every little thing he said with fucking sports. Then what does he do? He asks me if there's anything I want to add after every anger management tip. I felt like saying 'Yeah. Why don't you shut the hell up about sports? I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, and I have no desire to find out.' but instead I just shake my head no and go back to reading. (I also think most of the people there need to spend more time reading. It's sad when the dumbest person in all their other classes suddenly turns into the smartest one there because they know what 'incidental' and 'conceited' mean.) 30 minutes into class and coach Wiseman's ramblings about football helps with anger triggers, I end up passing a note to Maria and Kaite (she was sitting next to Maria) saying 'This old fart is pissing me off.' They both started laughing, and coach Wiseman threatened to send us to the dean. We didn't care though. He'd been making the same empty threat since the first day of his class.

Wonderful. Fucking great. Things were going fine since my last post, but my dad just had say something. I swear, almost everytime he opens his mouth he ends up pissing me off. Why the hell can't he leave me alone? It's bad enough that everytime I'm in the library for more than 5 minutes he barges in and drags me out by my hair. If he's not gonna be the first to go, then I will!

First? Yay.

I hate it. I hate it here. Port Charlotte is worse than hell. I'm not even doing this of my own free will. So why am I here? My doctor thinks it will be good for my ADD, short term memory loss, and emotional problems. Yay. And the best part? I'm stuck living in Port Charlotte until My best friend turns 18 on March 17. Two years from now. I can't stand to be in Port Charlotte for another minute! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it more than anything!! I'd rather kill myself than spend another minute here! I'd rather die! I can't stand it! It's a small town, so naturally, there's nothing to do. And when the best, and most exciting thing of my life was supposed to happen? I'm dragged out of state for a fucking wedding! Who cares?! It's only a cousin!! I have at least 400 more! Who cares if I miss one out of a possible 400?!... Okay, maybe only 399, unless my lesbian cousin turns straight or goes to Vegas or something. But that's not the point! I'm just sick of the fact that I'm stuck in this tiny hell hole that almost literally grows smaller every fucking day! I miss what is supposed to be the best day of my life, seeing Jay Asher, author of one of my favorite books, 13 Reasons Why. He was at my school, the mini hell (with a few rays of awesome) named Charlotte High School. But no. I was dragged out to Georgia. I hated it. I was furious. I wanted to cry. I still do. I'm forcing back tears right now, and it's killing me. The main reason I can't get over it, even when it's been 5 days already? There's nothing here to take my mind off of it. Port Charlotte is tiny (not even 22 square miles) so there's nothing here but nursing homes. We lost our only arcade about... 3 or 4 years ago, lost our only comic book shop last year, lost one bookstore (out of 2) about 5 or 6 years ago, and nothing has come up in their places. The mere thought of Port Charlotte makes me want to scream. To yell. To cry. To go insane. It makes me feel as though the only people to have ever come from here are destined to be failures. Homeless. Unhappy. Alone. Hated. Dead. Jay Asher coming was my only little ray of hope that I was wrong. That my life wasn't going to end up that way. I felt that if someone happy and successful came, it would prove to me that there might be hope. But I missed the words I needed to hear. I can't stand it. I just can't! I want to be free from this hell! I want to die! I'd rather die! I want to be as far away from here as possible! Even if it means death! I'll do anything! I hate it here! I want to be happy... I want to feel as though I don't need to hide who I am. I want to live somewhere where everybody isn't an exact clone of everyone else. I don't want to be somewhere I have to drink to escape my problems. Yes. I've turned to drinking to comfort me. I started back in middle school, along with smoking and cutting myself. I haven't smoked in years, but... I've gotten back into cutting myself. I don't cut my wrists, but I cut the back of my legs so I can hide it from my friends. From everyone. I know I'm practically destroying myself, but god knows there's no point to living if I have to stay here. I don't care if it kills me. In fact, I hope it does. Who knows. I might just say I'm going to the store, and run out in the middle of US 41 and hope I get hit. Or I could ask my parents to take me somewhere, and halfway there I could just open the car door and jump out. Or I could go jump off the bridge connecting Charlotte Harbor and Punta Gorda. I just want a way out of Port Charlotte. Away from the shallow puddles claiming to be human that roam the streets here. Away from all the memories. Both good and bad. I want to start over and be happy... I think I know the best way out... I could run away. Me and Ashly and Alex. We could just leave. No one would notice. It's not as if anybody lives with me now. Oh wait. My mother and father. But how should I know? My mother is always working now, and my father is always out getting drunk or sleeping with hookers. And my brother? He won't be here anyway. Duty calls. He's 21 and a Marine, so there's no chance of seeing him anytime soon. My Sister? And my Brother-in-law? Up in Jacksonville. Their families? Wouldn't notice if either of them was gone. Ashly's sister is a drug addict, and Alex's little sister is almost legally insane. I'm pretty much living by myself, so running off with 2 of my best friends would be heaven. Maybe... I'll see what the rest of the month brings.